Yes, you read correctly: BANGS.

It’s been almost 2 years since that eventful morning that lead me to cut my bangs. Now this ceremonious event of “cutting bangs” may not have any significance to you whatsoever… but let me tell you that it did to me and in fact, has changed my life.

But before I continue to ramble on, let me just tell you now that this isn’t a blog about a particular hair style (or cut for that matter) but more a passage of a struggle forced into my life that has made me who I am today.

You see, when life throws a HEAVILY BURDENED rock at you in a time when you’re most vulnerable… a surge of emotions take place.  Mixed variation of feelings overcomes your mind, consumes your mentality… and ultimately attacks you physically. This overwhelming abundance of emotions invades your being and sometimes you can’t help but shut down and feel nothing. You can’t help but feel NUMB… and it hurts.

I was numb… but I wanted to feel again. And in moments of desperation, we often disregard reason and jump without realizing the consequences. I was numb.. but I wanted to feel again… so my mental thought process at the time made me believe that any other pain would feel greater than the pain that existed in my being. I was screaming internally but smiling on the outside. I hated who I was, what I was going through, and what I was feeling (if anything at all)…. and that’s where the pair of Scissors come in.

Now I assume you think you know where I’m heading with this story… and you’re probably right.  In my moment of desperation… I wanted to feel something again… even if it was physical pain. So I picked up the scissors and attempted to cut away every pain in my heart.

But in a split second, reason and hope found its way back to me. It had been screaming along with my pain but I failed to hear it. I dropped the scissors. I was numb… but I wanted to feel again. So I looked in the mirror and opened my eyes to my weakness. I stood there, motionless. Waves of emotion streaming down my face. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I couldn’t figure out where I was going. For once in my life… I was IN the moment. AND I HATED MYSELF for what I was about to do.

My support system and everyone who has ever claimed to love me… still loved me. But I let my numbness overshadow that.  I had opened the doors to everything negative and allowed myself to believe in the pain…. and that’s what caused my fall.

So in a moment of hope… resilience… and control… I picked up the scissors and started cutting my bangs. Though a river was flowing down my cheeks, hope soon filled my heart. Maybe if I looked different… I’d feel different. Maybe if I feel different… I’ll live a different life. Maybe if I’m living a different life… I won’t be feeling this pain anymore.

I believed that if I cut my bangs in hopes of becoming someone new… I’d destroy every pain that encompassed by being.

But I was wrong.

I stood there with a new hairdo. With bangs to compliment my struggle. But every inch of me felt the same. Every hurt didn’t go away.

It wasn’t until I finally fell on my knees in prayer to God that I was finally revived.  And in retrospect… that’s all it took.  After all the drama I put myself through…. it wasn’t until I started trusting in the lord to provide for me and to watch over me that I finally felt at peace. I finally found a space in my heart worth fighting for. And so my bangs went from representing my pain.. to representing my strength. I fought the desperate act of physical pain and i fought it with all my heart.

For those of you who witnessed that crazy new Short Bangs look I was trying to rock… know now how much they meant to me. Yes, they were slightly off alignment…. and Yes, they were hella short… but I was proud of my Bangs. They were my bangs of Strength. My bangs of Fortitude.

*Being a victim of sexual harassment isn’t easy.  Open up and talk about it.*