I’m not perfect. I do not know everything. And I’m not always right. But one thing is for sure, every single person we come across in our life changes us. It might be in the smallest way possible or the largest way possible— either way, they change us. You may choose to believe this or disregard it completely, whichever you choose… understand that this is MY perspective on things and is not meant to apply to EVERY individual.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to sort of slow things down and sit back and reevaluate my life. Where I’ve been, who I am now, where I wanna go. And I’ve realized that in the retelling of my short life, there are numerous stories I continue to repeat over and over again. For those of you who know me well, you can probably tell which ones I’m talking about— the ones that deal with boys. The boys OF my life. The ones who have left some sort of footprint (or at least memory) with me that I can look back at and smile. Young ones, old ones, foine ones, mediocre ones, short ones, tall ones, gay ones, straight ones, and ones who’s sexuality is still kind of confusing. Regardless of who they were, where they were in life, or how I knew them… one thing they all shared in common was that they adored me. It’s taken a while to fully accept this idea because I always believed that perhaps I was just an instrument they used in an attempt to get with another gal pal (or guy pal) of mine. But in retrospect, I share more ‘sweet love’ stories with them then some of the long-term couples I already know.

The shocking part of this all? I’ve never really dated any of them. In fact, I’m almost 25 and have never had a boyfriend. Usually, this would come as a shock at first followed by a sympathy look.. but the truth is, I’m fine with it. Who needs a sappy love story or complicated relationship when I’ve already shared so many with these fine young men? So with that said, I’ve decided to share some of these ‘love’ stories with you. Those of you who already know them, just skip it. Those who haven’t… here I go….

Wow. Didn’t realize I had built such a resilient wall. I’m having a difficult time trying to bring it down. It’s so thick, I’m worried I won’t hear the likeliness of Love knocking on the other side.

Here I sit, my intellectual being captivated by the numbing sensation of your adoration for my inner soul. Your laughter hypnotizes my senses and I’m left week in the knees grasping onto the tips of your humor as your luminous lips reveal that blazing smile that imprisoned my heart at the hour of our initial encounter.  My mind mounted on a jetplane and made its way to you meticulously with precision because it knows your name and strongly believes with every vessel it pumps that your desire for my aorta will send it soaring across the universe, pass the galaxies… and beyond, to a place only our hearts know.

And for a minute, this heart got reminiscent of that percussive beat representative of a summer’s ardor past. There we were, two souls connected by a chemical attraction caused by a bonafide exchange of a smile. But no physical desirability left an unrequited passion in the passenger seat and a heart quiet in it’s chaos.

I wrote this sometime last year and felt it appropriate to post it again :)

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-A Testament to HipHop-
HipHop, your words rush through my veins
your pulsating beats echo in my chest
traveling north into my mind
Your incandescent flavor
soothes my tastebuds
and I can’t find the right rhythm
to follow your tempo
For your measure is your own
and my rhythm mine
but likewise we match
Filling a gap in this mentality
that destiny has revealed
to have always been yours
It’s been years
you’ve been knocking on my ears
but only now have I let you into my soul

-Jules

I was recently asked if I’d “do everything exactly the same” if I had a chance to relive my life.

The honest answer is I really don’t know. I don’t quite feel compelled to even answer this question because for the most part, I haven’t finished living THIS life. How can I turn around and say that I’d change a few things if I haven’t had a clue as to where my past decisions (and/or mistakes) are already taking me? How do I know that everything that HAS occurred in my life from birth until now is systematically painting this beautiful future for me or not? I don’t. And for now, I can live with that.  The truth of the matter is… and the only truth I do know right now… is that everything I have been through, every decision I’ve ever made, every relationship I’ve ever built or cut off, every blessing and answered prayers God has granted… has led me here. Now. Molded me into this person I am today and from what I can tell for myself, it’s not that bad. Not that bad at all. So why bother attaching myself to ideas of uncertainty when I currently hold the opportunity to continue living my life as if I’ll live a hundred more years?  I don’t know where I’ll be in 10 years, let alone the next 30 minutes… but one thing is for sure, I’m still living… and I still have an unlived future ahead of me. For now, I think I’ll focus on that. =]

Some people really DON’T CONSIDER 

the consequences of their foolish actions. 

FOOLISH actions multiplied by lack of attention 

and drive for deeper passion.

Doused by false hope and bitter reactions

their self-serving minds filled with counterfeit facts, no sanction.

I am a friend of lovers and a lover of friends but

I’m currently caught in a chasm of impropriety and dissatisfaction.

GOD IS GOOD. And my heart will never stop singing his praise. I’ll tell you that much.

He is the reason I breath.
The reason I still stand.
And the reason I continue to stay motivated.

Everyone has their own story…
but only those who keep their faith in Him survive  to tell it. =]

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I’ve been having this reoccurring dream that I get into a car accident. I’m always with different passengers and as the car spins or flips over, I remember the thoughts/words that come out of me is, “oh God, help us”.  No matter how hard or how out of control the accident is… we always end up in upright position and unharmed.  Perhaps this is JUST how God works in our life.  No matter how out of control your life may seem to be… or how hard obstacles get in the way of your happiness… when you have faith in Jesus and call on him… He’ll be there.  In the end, you’ll be alright.  You may be facing a different direction… or you may be caught in a different circumstance than you expected… but regardless, you’re still okay.  We tend to look at all the hardships in our lives and automatically feel/think that our life is over.  We naturally feel that we are not strong enough to overcome these specific battles but the truth is we are.  We can “do all things through Christ, who strengthens us” and there can not be any more perfect words than these.  In most of our battles, we just need to remember to “let go, and let God” because we are not superhumans.  We need to admit that we can’t do everything ON OUR OWN and the only true provider and friend we’ll ever have is God. 

God is Good.
ALL THE TIME. 

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this particular feeling.  It seems as though the butterflies have fluttered its way to my chest and the simple mention of a name gets my heart pumping… again. And so, I write on this matter— like I do all things that plague my mind…

The reality is— I don’t want to “FALL” in LOVE.
Because nothing good comes out of FALLING. I don’t want my breath to be taken away or get weak in the knees or skip a beat in my heart. INSTEAD, I want to be LIFTED UP in LOVE and feel a million breaths of fresh air, the invincible strength of strong bones, and a harmonious pulsation in my heartbeat. I want to surrender to love- but not to be MORE than or LESS than IT but merely to walk beside it and know that our unwavering bond is infallible. 

Sadly, I’m not too sure this is the case. I’ve always thought I’ve been “in love”— but the truth is that the “love” that I’ve been referring to hasn’t grown. It’s still juvenile. It’s stuck in a space and time that will never change and I’ll be the first between us to admit that I am a different person.. that I have witnessed many changes.. and that unfortunately, this love we had never grew stronger with me because you never came along with me.  We’ve tried for SO MANY YEARS to hold on to ‘“US” but maybe it’s finally time to let go.  Holding on to ‘LOVE’ shouldn’t be a battle.. if it is there, if it is real, if it is genuine.. love should come naturally. And I’ve come to realize that perhaps we’ve fallen out for a reason. What we had was so ‘real’ and ‘unreal’ at the same time and in some cases pretty ‘magical’ and I wouldn’t change a thing if I had the chance. But here we are… now… in between 2 chapters of our lives… and I really do think it’s time to tell myself that I’ve fallen out of THAT love. THAT YOUTHFUL LOVE. I’m ready to be lifted in Love for the first time… it may be with you… it may not be… but not knowing is the exciting part.  

I’m tired of falling… so it’s finally time to fall out and start again.