Wow. Didn’t realize I had built such a resilient wall. I’m having a difficult time trying to bring it down. It’s so thick, I’m worried I won’t hear the likeliness of Love knocking on the other side.

Here I sit, my intellectual being captivated by the numbing sensation of your adoration for my inner soul. Your laughter hypnotizes my senses and I’m left week in the knees grasping onto the tips of your humor as your luminous lips reveal that blazing smile that imprisoned my heart at the hour of our initial encounter.  My mind mounted on a jetplane and made its way to you meticulously with precision because it knows your name and strongly believes with every vessel it pumps that your desire for my aorta will send it soaring across the universe, pass the galaxies… and beyond, to a place only our hearts know.

And for a minute, this heart got reminiscent of that percussive beat representative of a summer’s ardor past. There we were, two souls connected by a chemical attraction caused by a bonafide exchange of a smile. But no physical desirability left an unrequited passion in the passenger seat and a heart quiet in it’s chaos.

I wrote this sometime last year and felt it appropriate to post it again :)

=============================================

-A Testament to HipHop-
HipHop, your words rush through my veins
your pulsating beats echo in my chest
traveling north into my mind
Your incandescent flavor
soothes my tastebuds
and I can’t find the right rhythm
to follow your tempo
For your measure is your own
and my rhythm mine
but likewise we match
Filling a gap in this mentality
that destiny has revealed
to have always been yours
It’s been years
you’ve been knocking on my ears
but only now have I let you into my soul

-Jules

I was recently asked if I’d “do everything exactly the same” if I had a chance to relive my life.

The honest answer is I really don’t know. I don’t quite feel compelled to even answer this question because for the most part, I haven’t finished living THIS life. How can I turn around and say that I’d change a few things if I haven’t had a clue as to where my past decisions (and/or mistakes) are already taking me? How do I know that everything that HAS occurred in my life from birth until now is systematically painting this beautiful future for me or not? I don’t. And for now, I can live with that.  The truth of the matter is… and the only truth I do know right now… is that everything I have been through, every decision I’ve ever made, every relationship I’ve ever built or cut off, every blessing and answered prayers God has granted… has led me here. Now. Molded me into this person I am today and from what I can tell for myself, it’s not that bad. Not that bad at all. So why bother attaching myself to ideas of uncertainty when I currently hold the opportunity to continue living my life as if I’ll live a hundred more years?  I don’t know where I’ll be in 10 years, let alone the next 30 minutes… but one thing is for sure, I’m still living… and I still have an unlived future ahead of me. For now, I think I’ll focus on that. =]

Some people really DON’T CONSIDER 

the consequences of their foolish actions. 

FOOLISH actions multiplied by lack of attention 

and drive for deeper passion.

Doused by false hope and bitter reactions

their self-serving minds filled with counterfeit facts, no sanction.

I am a friend of lovers and a lover of friends but

I’m currently caught in a chasm of impropriety and dissatisfaction.

GOD IS GOOD. And my heart will never stop singing his praise. I’ll tell you that much.

He is the reason I breath.
The reason I still stand.
And the reason I continue to stay motivated.

Everyone has their own story…
but only those who keep their faith in Him survive  to tell it. =]

*************************

I’ve been having this reoccurring dream that I get into a car accident. I’m always with different passengers and as the car spins or flips over, I remember the thoughts/words that come out of me is, “oh God, help us”.  No matter how hard or how out of control the accident is… we always end up in upright position and unharmed.  Perhaps this is JUST how God works in our life.  No matter how out of control your life may seem to be… or how hard obstacles get in the way of your happiness… when you have faith in Jesus and call on him… He’ll be there.  In the end, you’ll be alright.  You may be facing a different direction… or you may be caught in a different circumstance than you expected… but regardless, you’re still okay.  We tend to look at all the hardships in our lives and automatically feel/think that our life is over.  We naturally feel that we are not strong enough to overcome these specific battles but the truth is we are.  We can “do all things through Christ, who strengthens us” and there can not be any more perfect words than these.  In most of our battles, we just need to remember to “let go, and let God” because we are not superhumans.  We need to admit that we can’t do everything ON OUR OWN and the only true provider and friend we’ll ever have is God. 

God is Good.
ALL THE TIME. 

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this particular feeling.  It seems as though the butterflies have fluttered its way to my chest and the simple mention of a name gets my heart pumping… again. And so, I write on this matter— like I do all things that plague my mind…

The reality is— I don’t want to “FALL” in LOVE.
Because nothing good comes out of FALLING. I don’t want my breath to be taken away or get weak in the knees or skip a beat in my heart. INSTEAD, I want to be LIFTED UP in LOVE and feel a million breaths of fresh air, the invincible strength of strong bones, and a harmonious pulsation in my heartbeat. I want to surrender to love- but not to be MORE than or LESS than IT but merely to walk beside it and know that our unwavering bond is infallible. 

Sadly, I’m not too sure this is the case. I’ve always thought I’ve been “in love”— but the truth is that the “love” that I’ve been referring to hasn’t grown. It’s still juvenile. It’s stuck in a space and time that will never change and I’ll be the first between us to admit that I am a different person.. that I have witnessed many changes.. and that unfortunately, this love we had never grew stronger with me because you never came along with me.  We’ve tried for SO MANY YEARS to hold on to ‘“US” but maybe it’s finally time to let go.  Holding on to ‘LOVE’ shouldn’t be a battle.. if it is there, if it is real, if it is genuine.. love should come naturally. And I’ve come to realize that perhaps we’ve fallen out for a reason. What we had was so ‘real’ and ‘unreal’ at the same time and in some cases pretty ‘magical’ and I wouldn’t change a thing if I had the chance. But here we are… now… in between 2 chapters of our lives… and I really do think it’s time to tell myself that I’ve fallen out of THAT love. THAT YOUTHFUL LOVE. I’m ready to be lifted in Love for the first time… it may be with you… it may not be… but not knowing is the exciting part.  

I’m tired of falling… so it’s finally time to fall out and start again.

Here are the things really worth caring about in your 20s.

When you’re 25-ish, you’re old enough to know what kind of music you love, regardless of what your last boyfriend or roommate always used to play. You know how to walk in heels, how to tie a necktie, how to give a good toast at a wedding and how to make something for dinner. You don’t have to think much about skin care, home ownership or your retirement plan. Your life can look a lot of different ways when you’re 25: single, dating, engaged, married. You are working in dream jobs, pay-the-bills jobs and downright horrible jobs. You are young enough to believe that anything is possible, and you are old enough to make that belief a reality.

Job
Now is the time to figure out what kind of work you love to do. What are you good at? What makes you feel alive? What do you dream about? You can go back to school now, switch directions entirely. You can work for almost nothing, or live in another country, or volunteer long hours for something that moves you. There will be a time when finances and schedules make this a little trickier, so do it now. Try it, apply for it, get up and do it.

When I was 25, I was in my third job in as many years—all in the same area at a church, but the responsibilities were different each time. I was frustrated at the end of the third year because I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do next. I didn’t feel like I’d found my place yet. I met with my boss, who was in his 50s. I told him how anxious I was about finding the one perfect job for me, and quick. He asked me how old I was, and when I told him I was 25, he told me that I couldn’t complain to him about finding the right job until I was 32. In his opinion, it takes about 10 years after college to find the right fit, and anyone who finds it earlier than that is just plain lucky. So use every bit of your 10 years: try things, take classes, start over.

Relationships
Now is also the time to get serious about relationships. And “serious” might mean walking away from the ones that don’t give you everything you need. Some of the most life-shaping decisions you make in this season will be about walking away from good-enough, in search of can’t-live-without. One of the only truly devastating mistakes you can make in this season is staying with the wrong person even though you know he or she is the wrong person. It’s not fair to that person, and it’s not fair to you.
Counseling

Twenty-five is also a great time to start counseling, if you haven’t already, and it might be a good round two of counseling if it’s been a while. You might have just enough space from your parents to start digging around your childhood a little bit. Unravel the knots that keep you from living a healthy whole life, and do it now, before any more time passes.

Church
Twenty-five is the perfect time to get involved in a church you love, no matter how different it is from the one you were a part of growing up. Be patient and prayerful, and decide that you’re going to be a person who grows, who seeks your own faith, who lives with intention. Set your alarm on Sunday mornings, no matter how late you were out on Saturday night. It will be dreadful at first, and then after a few weeks, you’ll find that you like it, that the pattern of it fills up something inside you.

Don’t get stuck
This is the thing: when you start to hit 28 or 30, everything starts to divide, and you can see very clearly two kinds of people: on one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find God and themselves and their deep dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. And then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. They mean to find a church, they mean to develop honest, intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in kind of an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than they were when they graduated college.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. Walk away, try something new. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep with me for this leg of the journey? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”

Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Walk closely with people you love, and with other people who believe that God is very good and life is a grand adventure. Don’t spend time with people who make you feel like less than you are. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.

Taken from Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist Copyright © 2010. Used by permission of Zondervan. www.zondervan.com